Freedom

When I feel trapped, I get on the super highway to food. That emotion, more than any other, snaps me into emotional eating. I see this same behavior in my clients over and over. Sometimes, I feel trapped about the rules I make up around eating, but usually, the boxed-in feeling sprouts up somewhere else, and I just use food to let off steam, ease the pressure.

Okay, example: my six-year-old daughter takes a long time to fall asleep each eve. And she loves, loves, loves to chatter around this time of day. And she's very entertaining. And after about 15 minutes of her sweet ramblings, I'm done. I am done parenting. I am done listening. I am done cuddling. She, however, wants more. And I go to the place where I'm a bad mommy for wanting some space. Food looks mighty good here.

One of my clients feels stuck in a dead end job, another in a marriage that has seemingly insurmountable flaws, another in a health crisis. Where do you feel trapped? That place is the place where change must show up before you'll see a shift in your food and weight. Even if the circumstances don't change, your perspective must shift, or food will remain a place where you attempt to exercise control.

In the first session with one of my clients, she described living with her overbearing aunt the summer she was nine. This nine-year-old was trapped in her aunt's world, at the mercy of her aunt's whims and demands. And that's when my client turned to food (very logically!) to salvage some sense of control. Look back to when your issues with food first showed up. When was the first time you thought you should go on a diet? That's the root of what's plaguing you now.

Yesterday, my coach asked me, "What is the structure that frees you rather than traps you?" I'm still chewing on that question, and I offer it to you, too.

Blessings to Renee, who brought some thoughtful questions to her comment on November 19's blog entry. And to respond: yes, maintaining weight during this season is a worthy goal. In fact, it's a kind goal, filled with compassion for self and a heightened awareness for our cultural influences. One anchor for me during the whirl of social activities between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day is my own hunger level. I gift myself with allowing my hunger to guide me. When I come back here, I'm on solid ground. And yes, there are times, like when my husband's family makes buckeyes, an annual treat of peanut butter balls dipped in dark chocolate, that I eat when I am not hungry. When I'm in this place, I name it. "I'm going to eat this even though I'm not hungry." I say it aloud. I say it aloud to bear witness to myself, NOT to tell on myself, but to acknowledge this place, recognize it, and know that I'm standing tall here, too. It shifts my energy and the energy around me from guilt to affirmation.

Service

Today, my coach asked me a powerful question that's been lingering: how does this serve me? As I reach for food, I examine this question. Food has so many dimensions beyond nutrition. It speaks to comfort, memory, social connection, sensuality. Add to this list. As you reach for food, consider how it's serving you.

My coach also pointed out how I see many of the ways that I eat as a problem. As we were talking, we both flipped into solution mode. What if the way I eat isn't a problem, but a simply a way of being me? An expression of who I am? A pushing towards what wants to happen in the moment? My eating patterns fulfill some valid needs in me, and I want to acknowledge those needs.

I want to point out that I am posting to this blog without regard to a schedule. This perspective about posting irregularly allows me to be free of "should"s around this tool that supports me in my journey to freedom around food. I recognize today that it's useful for me to define where I'm headed. If I don't know where I'm going, I'll likely end up somewhere else, eh?

I'm journeying to a place where food is a sensual experience, where I enjoy food for the simple pleasure of its tastes, where the residue of my eating is energy, forward momentum, and connection to my body, myself.

Part of why I rebounded back up here on the scale is my obsessive way of being around food that led to those low numbers. I went to a place where I scrutinized every mouthful, every decision - a place where I didn't trust myself. I want to be with food with relaxation and ease. For my leadership class, I travelled to a retreat center in Northern California called The Mother Tree. The food there was exquisite, prepared with love. And that's a key point: it was prepared for me. I just showed up and ohhhh'd and ahhhh'd and enjoyed. The food was fresh from the garden, flavorful, healthy, delicious, served in a blissful setting with amazing company. That's my vision of where I'm going with food. Every day like that, eh?

Where are you going with your food?

Welcome!

Have you ever been on a ropes course? I feel like I am now, ready to leap out into the unknown. I hemmed and hawed, shuffled my feet, and generally procrastinated every way I could imagine around getting this blog started. Why the worry? I got on the scale yesterday, and I weighed 162.2. My goal is 145. And exactly HOW long have I been striving to reach my goal weight, you may ask. Well, since just before my 40th birthday. I'm now approaching 42.

I intend to focus here on what works for me, and I am down from my start of 185. What's worked so far has been reaching out and letting people know where I am. It's also worked to ask for help. Will you help me by witnessing me on this journey? Wise Erica, friend from my leadership class, said the other day, "I don't need any of you to fix me." Amen, Sister. I will reach my goal weight, and gosh o' golly, I'll do it on MY terms. AND, I could use your help. Help me by allowing me to be on my own journey, separate from my clients' journeys. Help me by reading my words and telling me you're out there listening. Help by recognizing timelines don't work for me. Kathrine, my inspirational weight loss coach from last year, told me, "You'll get there when you get there." Not what I want to hear, and still, belief that I will get there.

Why is it so important for me to reach my goal weight? I talked to some friends a few days ago about body image, and I applaud work around body image. I no longer hide at home, not willing to go to the gym until I lose weight and look better in spandex. My body size doesn't prevent me from living my life. I feel better when I carry less weight. I show up differently. Yes, health is the most important part, blah, blah, blah. I want to LOOK and FEEL better in my own body. Yes, it's just a number on a scale. And, it proves to me that I can create what I want.

There's a dual purpose to this blog: public chronicling of my own weight loss journey for the sake of my own integrity and growth (or as one clients says "shrinkage"), and sharing of what works so that you can find your own path to your weight loss. So, I'll end with a note from my journal: When I eat like that, it feeds my ego, which is the part of me that wants to stay stuck. What would it look like to feed the part of me that wants to shift and claim my weight loss?

Last night, I met with a client, and we identified categories of food thoughts:

• what do I want to eat? (looking at a menu, opening the fridge, shopping at the grocery, surveying options and checking against our internal desires)
• what SHOULD I eat? (current rules about what's right/good/healthy such as whole grains, surveying options and checking against external guidance)
• how was that food experience? (rather like a restaurant critic: yum, yuck, more, never again, when can I find another opp to have that again? the evaluation component)
• how am I navigating this social experience? (even if you eat alone, there are these thoughts: I'm lonely, I'm cherishing this time to myself. And when eating with others: will she be insulted if I decline another helping? what's appropriate in this setting?)
• what's the emotional tone of this experience? (I deserve this. I don't care. I'm stunned that I'm actually enjoying vegetables and not overeating - I don't even WANT to overeat. Serenity and contentment.)

After we categorized food thoughts, my client selected the arenas where she wanted to continue to play. She wanted to leave behind the "should"s and the emotional assessment. Here's your assignment, if you're seeking one: notice (as opposed to police) your thoughts. Which category do they fall into? What's their content? Two of my clients (independently) have talked about inviting an objective observer to collect data, rather like an anthropologist shifts through soil. Just the facts. Leave the judgments and just watch yourself. You'll learn quite a bit.

And share your observations and experiences. I invite you to join this blogging community. I want to hear from you. It helps me to know that you're out there.